PLOT TWIST

So let’s get into it. 

My last post There is Change In The Air was about my life being in the middle of this period of constant uncertainty and change with our move to Edinburgh in April, my graduation in June and not knowing where I would go or what I would be going in the autumn. Well, this uncertainty did not get any clearer as I left to Finland for the summer (as I often do) right after my deadlines and the move. Before I left I had a month and a half to unpack and settle into our new apartment and life in Edinburgh and never in my wildest dreams did I think that I will not be back. 

In the latest post, I also talked about how I was struggling to choose whether to stay still or keep going with moving from one country to another. Well, when I finally made the decision to accept the offer from the University of Edinburgh for my masters in Marketing, I also made the decision to finally settle down. Objectively and “in theory” I had everything I could have ever wanted. I was so excited to have something to settle down for since for once it felt like things were falling into place in a way that I did not feel the need to look for “more” anymore. But… Like I mentioned in my previous post that decision was very difficult for me and there was a lot of doubt and uncertainty around it.

I’m going to let you in on a secret… Whenever I thought about my life in Edinburgh or imagined how the next year would go, I would cry and afterwards I would give myself a little prep talk on why this is a good thing for me. Once you’ve gone through 6 years of uncertainty and constant change, regardless of how much it makes you cry you do crave some level of stability. I was ready to sacrifice my goals and happiness just to enjoy that for a little bit longer. I don’t know about you, but to me that just does not sound right. I doubted it at the time, but I thought it was just part of growing up and that maybe that just was as good as it’s ever going to get. Oh my was I wrong! 

Back in July when I was still in Finland, the universe was not happy about my decision to stay in Scotland and instead gave me a not-so-gentle kick in the butt by not allowing me to settle for something that wasn’t for me. Although the decision wasn’t mine, the second it was made for me, I thanked the person who had the courage to do what was right and I just felt massive relief. Relief that I was no longer limiting my potential, my energy and my efforts on a life that was not even mine. I was surrounded by people whose intentions I had to continuously question, culture that I didn’t identify with and a possible future that I did not see for myself.  It was a very strange feeling for a quite long time, when literally no aspect of my life felt like it was actually mine or that I was even playing any active role in my everyday life. Now all of that has changed.

Did you know it is actually possible to look around your life or think about what’s coming next and just smile for no reason? I was lucky enough to experience this during the last year that I lived in St Petersburg but after I left I lost that excitement and I’ve been looking for it ever since. Last spring my boyfriend told me that maybe that was a one-time thing considering that the situation was so unique and that I can’t keep going looking for a feeling that might never happen. This hit me hard and made me question everything.

The first time I thought about moving to the Netherlands for my masters was in the spring of 2020 and the second that that idea popped into my head and started to feel like it could actually happen, I felt that same excitement again and let me tell you, I could not have been happier in that moment. But as we now know, by the spring of 2021 I had pretty much accepted that I will not be going to the Netherlands due to where we were with the pandemic and the general sense of safety that was there for me in Edinburgh. It all changed when I was told I was no longer welcome in a place that I thought was my home. I decided to take back some control over my life and continue to follow my goal of finishing my Masters’ even if it had to be in a completely new country. 

Funny thing about this was that even when I had accepted the offer from Edinburgh, I never declined the offer I had to study at the Erasmus University Rotterdam, so I quickly started sending some emails….and well ta dah – here I am. I understand that not everyone believes in faith or the power of the universe, but there is no chance this all was not just meant to happen the way it did.

No hard feelings though. The 4 years I had in Scotland were amazing and I am so incredibly thankful for every single person that contributed to that experience. But it was not the place for me and I have known that for a while now. I hope to be back for a visit one day, but for now I’m focusing on building a life that I don’t have to settle for and finding a place where I can see my future in.