DEALING WITH UNCERTAINTY

Okay so this one is a slightly different post to others.

First of all, hi – it’s been a while!

I came back to this website after not looking at it for a while and really felt the urge to write something – so here I am. And as I went over some of my drafts, I noticed one that was never finished or published.

It was a post I tried to write while living in Rotterdam last year and to be honest, I don’t remember writing it. But it’s quite an interesting one and definitely a topic I’d like to share a bit more about now. So here’s the draft:

“It’s now been a year since I moved to the Netherlands. I came across some photos and Instagram stories I posted around the time of my move, and instead of feeling nostalgic for the amazing feeling of freedom and euphoria I first felt when making the decision, instead it made me incredibly anxious.

The reason for that is simply that I remember exactly how I felt at that time, not the way I portrayed it to others. And only now I realized that those weeks and months were filled with ways to avoid reality, convincing myself and others around me that I am doing great and even more so with being afraid of what is coming next.”

It’s quite heartbreaking. But also very true and applicable to a lot of situations.

I also think the fact that just writing about the topic brought up so many emotions is why I never finished writing it.

Now, looking back, I know exactly what I was feeling and thinking back then. It was a strange period for me. I had just graduated with my Bachelor’s, got broken up with, left Scotland, and started my Master’s degree in a new country. And on the surface everything was great. 

I thought I got off easy – but not really.

Just the amount of uncertainty and change that was happening definitely had an impact on me, even though it first didn’t feel like that.

I did not know how to process all that was going on. So I kind of tricked my brain into thinking I had everything under control, but it did all hit me later on.

It hit me that I could not control everything and that my support network at that time and place was gone. I had to restart my life in a way I thought I would never have to do again.

So no, that wasn’t easy to deal with at all, and I definitely did the work later on to grief and actually experience all the not-so-nice emotions that go with a massive change like that.

Although the post is titled “Dealing with Uncertainty”, I definitely still don’t have any practical tips for doing that (successfully). But rather, this post is more about sharing the process and how it can look and feel very different at different times.

What if it all works out?

Usually, I thrive off of new experiences and new environments. But again, sometimes, they also scare the crap out of me.

This is because change (to me) usually means that I’m away from the people who matter the most to me and that many things need to be sacrificed. This time was no exception.